The best little sleeper anywhere.

During the night that is. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful about this. Never having had to walk the floor for hours or get up twenty times a night makes me feel incredibly blessed, but...

Naps on the other hand are different story.

For as heavy and consistent a sleeper as my bub is at night she is the lightest sleeper ever during the day. She also refuses to sleep anywhere but in her carrier or laying on top of me, still.

So many times I have begun to put her down gently and slowly and just as her head hits the bed, she begins to cry and squint her eyes open with look far beyond her years as if to say... "how ruuuude mom, I was sleeping"

Thank god for my mom though. When I told her what was going on she said "god she's so much like you. Have you tried putting her down quicker and walking away so she can't see you by the time she opens her eyes?"

So I tried it. And you know what it freaking worked! A little tiny whimper and right back to sleep.

just. write.

That's what I need to do. Just write about how much I love my little bub. Just write about how tired I am or how much I am changing, and how much she is changing. I hate that every time I sit down to write I find myself struggling with the entire concept of it first.

cue eyeroll.

Obligatory digital hair shirt removed, here is what's on my mind.

Ever since the day I met Violet, I feel an ever growing sense of love that overwhelms me and shocks me to my core. In every new thing she learns I find I am learning right along with her. Somehow though I can't help but worry if I am being the best mama I actually can be.

A friend of mine just got her doctorate in psychology. She did her dissertation on (for lack of better phrasing) attachment parenting. She uses the phrase intuition, which I like much better but my psych vocab is rusty as hell so I'll just reiterate what she said as best I can. The past couple weeks I have felt a little lost. I feel like I am doing a pretty good job with this whole mommy thing when I don't over think it, but I guess over thinking stuff seems to be fairly big part of who I am. Anyway I trust this friends opinion. I asked her how I could maybe be a more natural parent, and I love what she said. She said you watch and tend to your baby all the time, try watching and tending yourself instead for a bit.

I love this. True, opportunities for judging myself could abound in this method, but instead it had the opposite effect. I realized she was a lot calmer when I was being conscious of myself and not just her and that the only things getting in my way were myself or I should say the times I was simply worrying about whether I was doing a good job. It's like an old boss had used to tell me, "Heather, stop working hard, and start working smart."

I began to notice there are definitely times she was not upset because I was somehow not tending to her needs, but rather because, well, being a growing baby is hard business. Learning how to crawl looks really freaking hard actually. Everything thing babies learn to do, we take for granted... I can't imagine how hard it must be to have all these things to learn and so quick, so yeah I get tired, but I have to remember at least I'm not trying to learn how to be upwardly mobile ;)

And so I have been easier on myself the past couple days and it feels good, really good. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to beat myself up about my less than perfect parenting when she's a teenager.

On the blog again...

... Just can't wait to get on the blooooog again.

Ok, enough cheese.

I am currently annoyed with myself for having made a blog for little Violet with currently no posts, post pregnancy. It's been amazing spending (almost) every waking moment just caring for and loving on her and I have become temporarily not interested in doing much else, if I don't have to. I have written in a paper diary so far (might add those here) but y'know it is the digital age and well...

here we go. again. maybe I'll actually stick to it this time.

Having a newborn is for me is like, hmmm, how do I put? Starting over. Getting a second chance for a truly wonderful existence. Like life was great and all but now I wake up with an excitement that I haven't had since I was a little kid. Seeing things again for the first time. She's so full love and SO smart. I have been known to cry just looking at her because I cannot believe I got so lucky as to be her mom. She is the happiest and most beautiful baby I have ever known and she is all mine (well and her father's of course ;p )

She laughs in her sleep. I keep wondering what is so funny she dreams about it. She studies people with great intensity and then smiles, always winning the heart of her study. She has found her hand, rolls over and is now working on scooting god help me. She also talks, it is amazing the things she says, she is teaching me all kinds of wonderful new things. I will say this about all of it, I know I know how to love, but this kind of love took me completely by surprise, there is simply nothing else in the world like it.

It's funny, I was NEVER good at taking compliments before, in fact, it could be said I straight SUCKED at it. Someone would say something lovely and sweet to me about something I did and the best they got from me was a mumbled "thank you" or "no really, it was nothing at all". It wasn't that I was fishing for more, I just geniunely had bad self esteem. I wish I could go back and say thank you to all those people. The art of gratitude is really a nice thing to learn, now that I finally know what it is all about. People tell me how beautiful she is or how much she looks like me and I give them an immediate "thank you! I know" and it feels really good, to own my confidence again, for her. I want to teach her how important it is.

Since I am playing catch up, here are some of my favorite shots (that I have uploaded) so far: